Emotional dependence on another person. I can not live without you. Causes of love addiction Love is...

After 4 months, he proposed to me in front of the whole family, on one knee, gave me a gorgeous ring - everything was so beautiful! They wanted to get married. I was in seventh heaven - I was sure it was HIM! But in reality, everything was not as wonderful as it seems. He is a very emotionally unstable person. He was tormented by unhealthy jealousy of my previous relationships and sexual partners - he constantly asked me about everything in detail, he wanted to know everything! And I, stupid, thought that if I was frank with him, he would feel better, and I told him everything. Everything just got worse. He continued to be jealous of me, we continued to quarrel about it. But all this happened periodically. Between quarrels and jealousy, our relationship again turned into a fairy tale full of love and tenderness. And we both believed that now everything would be fine, and we dreamed together of a strong family, three sons, a big beautiful house, and we dreamed of growing old together. Against the backdrop of all the troubles, we decided to postpone the wedding. It was a very difficult decision for me - it was like taking a step back in a relationship. I flatly refused to go to the registry office, but still he convinced me that it didn’t matter to him - he wants me to be his wife no matter what, and we will definitely get married - in a year or two - when we are really ready for this (here it must be said that we are no longer 18 years old. I am almost 27, he is 25). We applied, set a date and time, and announced it to all our family and friends. But the problems were and remain. We continued to quarrel because of his jealousy. It was the hardest thing for him in this situation - he turned to psychologists, Orthodox confessors, tried to watch relevant films and read literature, but nothing helped. As a result, the day came when he said that he was tired of offending me, and did not want to hurt me anymore - and we needed to leave. I will say that we were living abroad at that time and renting shared housing, that is, “separating” meant going to separate rooms and stopping sleeping together. We continued to live under the same roof - I suffered, he pretended that he was fine. Or he actually felt good. Against the backdrop of all this, his mother hated me. She talked me over and accused me of bewitching him, that I was a kept woman (at that time I was not working), that I was not a match for him... She lectured him about how he needed to end the relationship with me, and she did it very masterfully - brainwashed him to such an extent that over time I stopped recognizing my loved one. At this time I was finishing university, sitting over textbooks day and night. Instead of supporting me, my boyfriend continued to get on my nerves, we separated and got back together, he flew home, flew back to me with flowers and apologies, and vows that this was the last time.. We parted again, flew away again. These were the hardest months of my life. However, I had the strength to finish university, and, as planned, we returned to our homeland together - forever. We don't have our own housing here. We planned to buy an apartment, but all the formalities would take at least six months. At first (THREE DAYS) we lived with his parents (his mother had calmed down by that time), but in the end she kicked us out. We went to my parents - they accepted him in silence, although against the backdrop of all the events they were no longer so happy about him in our house. And we continued to swear, offend, insult each other in quarrels. And we separated again. He went to live with his parents. For three weeks I lay in bed - neither alive nor dead. My parents didn't know what to do with me. My friends couldn’t get me out of the house.. And at that time he was resting, talking with friends, spending time having fun. Three weeks later we got back together - we promised each other to try again, to give each other a chance... He said that without me he is not him, and only I am HIS woman, and he can never be with anyone else happy. Naturally, there is no longer talk of any wedding. Now our relationship consists of rare (maximum 2-3 times a week) meetings in the evenings, from which I no longer get any pleasure. However, I don’t have the strength or determination to put an end to it. I'm afraid I still love him, but I don't know if I do. I still cherish the hope that we can be happy, although I understand in my head that we can’t! He turned into a terrible egoist, calculating and selfish person! There is no more tenderness, warmth and trepidation. His eyes, with which he looked at me as no one had ever looked before, dimmed and became alien. But I still love him... I'm deeply depressed - from a cheerful laugher, I turned into a boring, uninteresting bore. I do not want anything. I don't go anywhere. I was overcome by laziness, apathy and complete indifference to life. I don’t want to go on dates with him anymore, I don’t want him to come to me - because I know that this will only bring me another portion of pain. And at the same time I pray on the phone, waiting for his call or SMS. But I can’t imagine my life without him - what if it all comes back? Please tell me what to do? How to find the strength to return to life and break up (or improve relationships) with this person? What literature should I read? Where to look for salvation? I want to be happy. But now there is nothing in my life except tears and disappointment. Thank you in advance!

Among the various types of addictions, gaming, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, and shopping are traditionally distinguished. We have more or less learned to see and diagnose these addictions, which means that people susceptible to them have been able to recover from them. However, this type of dependence as emotional is still listed on this list only among psychologists, since people suffering from emotional dependence are the majority of our clients.

Emotional dependence is dependence on a relationship with another person. Emotional dependence can be very difficult to recognize, as its presence is often confused with strong love feelings. Culture intensively plays up the images of those who loved and died on the same day, or those who suffered in the name of true love, and thereby elevates psychological deviation to the rank of the norm. In science, a person who cannot live without another person is called a child (or disabled person). However, in the eyes of most of the globe, the experience of one person who cannot live without another is called love. I have repeatedly heard the phrases: “If I didn’t love, I wouldn’t worry so much” or “I suffer because I love.” Suffering, the inability to be oneself or to be happy without another, sometimes completely abstract “person who would love me” or “a person who would be next to me,” are inextricably linked with love. Many people live in unsatisfactory, destructive relationships, believing that this is how it should be - “so that feelings are strong and it is impossible to be without each other for a long time” - and not understanding that it could be different.

A healthy, harmonious personality is able to create relationships with many other individuals. This is due to the fact that “a person’s central motivation is the internal need to achieve rich, complex and passionate relationships with himself, parents, peers, community, animals, nature, the environment and the spiritual world” (L. Marcher, Danish psychotherapist). A self-sufficient person is This is not the one who does not experience emotional experiences and the need to form close relationships with other people. This is the one who is not destroyed by them, who does not make another person the guarantee of his happiness or unhappiness.

Signs of emotional dependence:

1. Happiness is possible only if there is a relationship and another person who loves or who is nearby;

2. Love and friendship are impossible without complete dissolution in each other, without completely surrendering life to the disposal of another person;

3. Relationships become destructive, accompanied by strong jealousy, numerous serious conflicts, and a constant threat of rupture, but it does not reach a real, final break;

4. Relationships are difficult, without relationships it is impossible;

5. The absence of a relationship, an object of love/attachment, or the thought of absence causes severe pain, fear, depression, apathy, despair;

6. It is impossible to break off a relationship on your own: “Until he leaves me on his own, we will not be able to part.”

Relationships in which there is emotional dependence are always very tense, conflictual, difficult relationships. This is due to the fact that if one person is so significant for another person that all of his “good”, all of his well-being, all of his happiness depends on him, then all of his “bad”, all of his misfortunes also depend entirely on the other person . There is no need to delude yourself on this score. Love coupled with emotional dependence is always associated with hatred in the end, since the hunger of an emotionally dependent person cannot be satisfied.

Another feeling that always accompanies dependent relationships is resentment. Resentment is a feeling of victimhood, a feeling that is born when a person cannot express his primary feelings - anger and pain and adequately respond to another person causing him pain.

The development of a tendency toward emotional (and any other) dependence occurs during infancy, from one month to one and a half years. During this period, the child develops an idea of ​​how his interaction with the outside world works (and will work in the future). He forms an idea about whether the world (at that time in the person of mom and dad) hears him or not, whether it satisfies his needs for security, nutrition, bodily comfort, communication, acceptance, love or does not satisfy, and if it does, then to what extent, how completely. Developmental disorders in this period give rise to a person’s feeling of “hunger” for relationships, for love, for affection, for emotional and physical intimacy. Such a person is in constant search for an “ideal parent”, a person who would compensate him for what he once did not receive: unconditional love, unconditional acceptance, reading his needs without saying them out loud, immediate satisfaction of his needs - and would satisfy him with your love. Of course, it is impossible to obtain it in this form. There is only one period in life when our needs can be met in such an ideal way - this is childhood. Not being able to receive this from another person creates intense anger, pain and despair. And again, the hope that someday someone will love us so much that he will understand perfectly everything we want and do it for us, will be with us all the time and will always be within reach of contact.

Dealing with emotional addiction

1. Working with emotional dependence consists of constantly separating yourself from the object of dependence, from constantly turning to yourself with questions: “what? I I want that to me do you need?", "Does the other person want it or do I want it?", "What exactly do I need?", "How do I understand whether I am getting something or not getting it?", "By what signs will I understand that I am loved and do they accept? An emotionally dependent person needs to learn to distinguish between his feelings and the feelings of another person, his own and other people's needs. It is important to understand that you and your object are not the same thing, you cannot and should not necessarily experience the same feelings or have the same desires. This type of relationship is needed between mother and child, so that the mother understands and satisfies the needs of the baby until he can talk about them himself. But for adults, this type of relationship is a dead end; it does not provide the development that occurs when differences come into contact. Work with emotional dependence should be constantly aimed at distinguishing oneself from another person: “Here I am, and here he is. Here we are similar, and here we are different. I can have my feelings, my desires, and he can have his, and this is not a threat to our intimacy. We don’t have to give up relationships, contacts, in order to satisfy our various desires.”

2. An important point is recognizing your own needs and desires and finding ways to satisfy them outside your partner. Receiving love and support is not only possible from one person. The more sources of obtaining them, the less burden falls on the partner. The more a person is independent in meeting his needs, the less he depends on another person.

3. It is important to remember that the source of love and acceptance can be not only external, but also internal. The more such sources you find, the less you will depend on the people around you and their acceptance or rejection of you. Look for what nourishes, supports, inspires and develops you. These can be spiritual values, interests, hobbies, hobbies, one’s own qualities and personal characteristics, as well as one’s own body, feelings, and sensations.

4. Notice moments when you are loved and supported, even if these are small signs of attention. Say to yourself that at this moment you are seen, heard, accepted. And be sure to turn to the body and physical sensations, since the period of formation of a tendency to addiction is infancy, the period of dominance of the body and its needs. It is through physical contact with the mother and other loved ones, through nutrition and bodily comfort, that the child understands that he is loved and is the first to learn to recognize his bodily needs. At the moment when you receive love and support from others, turn your attention to the body, notice how the body reacts to it, where and how in the body you feel that you are loved, what those sensations are. Remember them and turn to them at the moment when you need it, without involving other people.

5. Learn to face the fact that other people cannot be with you all the time, cannot recognize without words what you want or do not want, cannot express their love all the time. Each person has his own rhythm of intimacy and alienation, activity and peace, communication and solitude, giving and receiving. Having their own rhythm, and periodically leaving close contact, they do not stop loving you less and do not become bad. The most prosperous child in a loving family (not to mention the world around him) is faced with the fact that not all of his needs can be met, or satisfied immediately, or in the form in which he wants. This is truly impossible. You can regret this, be sad, but you don’t have to be destroyed by it.

6. Imagine what would happen if you lost your external source of emotional well-being - a partner (friend, group of friends or like-minded people). It will probably be painful, unbearable, bitter, scary, difficult. Try to get through it. It's not easy, but it's your experience, your life. Rely on the resources that I talked about in points 3 and 4. Remember the period when this person was not yet in your life. You lived without him, although perhaps it was difficult for you. Nevertheless, life went on as usual.

7. What is the most beautiful thing about your relationship with another person (or maybe in a relationship with another person)? Describe this in as much detail as possible. What do you need most from him? Describe this feeling or ideal state. Remember it or recreate it. Try to feel it with your whole body. Where in your body does it originate? Remember this place and these feelings. Stay in this state for some time. Then think about other ways you can get it in your life.

Addiction is an attempt to live off someone else's resources (or substances). The best cure for addiction is to live your life.

(c) Elena Sultanova, consultant psychologist, trauma therapist, trainer

Now I don't know who I am. I'm just scared, that's why I have these thoughts in my head. I cannot sincerely blame anyone, because every person is who he is, if everyone understood their mistakes, but people have become too proud. I myself have become a nonentity, I have fallen in the eyes of my family, although these are just my thoughts, they love me anyone, but the worst thing is that I don’t need anyone. I feel sorry for everyone, my compassion is not developed like no one else’s, then I want to remain alone, so that the people who surround me now will leave me and simply disappear. I don’t know what’s happening to me, but I can still tell you that I fell in love and not just fell in love. This is some kind of impossibly strong, even super-strong love. It's a shame that I fell in love with the same nonentity as I am now. He's pulling me down. I don’t know if it’s intentional, but he does everything to make me go crazy. But I love him and cannot live without him. I'm afraid of him, but I'm heading straight towards my goal, making a bunch of mistakes and stupid things. Sometimes I just hate him for this, I want to show and prove to him how he offends me and how he himself does not live correctly. But he doesn't seem to hear me. He turned out to be completely different in life, but the sad thing is that I need him anyway and I just went crazy. I don't have enough words for who I've turned into. I don't understand who he is to me. But every day I realize how madly, strongly and for the rest of my life I love him. But why him? There are so many guys and men around who love me. But I’m just pining for a man who, by and large, doesn’t need me. And my head is spinning from him, I can’t even look at him calmly, I’m starting to shake like a fool, I love him so much, with every look at him I think about the present I understand that. And the funny thing is that I’ve only seen him a few times in my life, but I know who I love, I even imagine everything so much and feel as if I’ve known him for a long time. What kind of love is this? I'm also going crazy because I'm alone. I need to talk to Nesky. My relatives are afraid for me, but it seems to me that they don’t believe and cannot understand how serious everything is and how you can love so much. But who needs this love? No matter what I did, I disgusted even him with myself, I thought up nasty things to myself to make it easier for me to forget him, but I couldn’t. I’m not even ashamed, I just love him and some kind of madness turns a blind eye to everything, these are such little things compared to what I love. I tried to shit on him, to show him who he really is, to teach him how to live, and I did it obsessively in order to again cause disgust, but I also can’t. I know this is not right and I feel so sorry for him, even though he doesn’t give a damn about me. It's just tearing me apart. I sleep all day long and do nothing. Sleep heals me. But I began to die before my eyes. My family noticed that I stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. I began to look like a living dead man. I definitely don’t need anyone like me. Everyone says she's beautiful, find a guy. And for me it’s hell when they say that, for me no one exists except him. The main thing is that I didn’t do anything, I didn’t even put my life on display, but it looks funny from the outside and who needs it. I tried many times to get through to him somehow, because I can’t live without him, but he’s not the same, maybe I really fell in love with the image, then why am I just dying without him. I'm shaking all over, my heart hurts, my hands and body are numb. I don't brag about how much I love you. I just want to be heard, I can’t live without him. Nobody understands me, and my family abandoned me, they hang up when I call. Now they are worried about me, but not as much as I would like. They want to fatten me up so that my boyfriend will come back to me, but do I really need that? If only I could understand, understand the reason, they don’t care. They are just doing their duty because I am the first child.

Painful emotional dependence occurs when the realization of their enormous emotional potential is associated with one person, and all feelings fall on him. And since a person with a visual vector cannot live without love, the question of reciprocity of feelings is equated to the question of to be or not to be. Since love is so important, a person tries with all his might to get confirmation of his importance to his partner. And the object of dependence turns out to be the target, the only focus of the entire avalanche of emotion, which would be enough for a hundred people...

“I’m writing you a letter because I don’t know what to do with all this. What should we do with our lives? A white light has converged on you like a wedge. My whole life is in you. I love you so much that I lose my footing when you touch me. I am bursting with happiness that you exist and you are next to me. When we are together, I am in endless euphoria, drunk with emotions that carry me somewhere into the sky.

At such moments I love so much that I’m not afraid to die. It seems that moments with you are worth a lifetime spent without you. Only next to you I feel the taste of life, forgetting about problems and boredom. I am omnipotent. For your sake I am capable of anything. My wings are growing.

Sometimes this condition scares me. I feel like I can't live without you. If you disappear from my life, I will die. Life will end. When you are not around, I fall into this fear especially deeply. I'm crazy afraid of losing you. I'm afraid to even think about it.

When you are not around, the light goes out, the colors fade. I grieve deeply and hopelessly, as if we had already parted forever. I worry every moment, listening to see if you are coming to the door. I can't do anything. Everything is falling out of hand. I'm just sitting and waiting for you to come.

You come and I'm happy again! But I try to restrain myself so as not to seem overly intrusive, not to kill you with my happiness - there is so much of it that even I myself cannot cope with it. You smile, but you are calm. You don't feel the way I do. Anxiety squeezes your heart again - what if you fall out of love? Fear spreads through the body like a cold wave. Tears come to my throat. I can’t hold back anymore - I’m sobbing: “You don’t love me! Can't you see how much I love you? Why don't you love me like that? You are everything to me, and I am just an addition to life for you, which is more important to you than me! And I want you to be mine, only mine and no one else’s!”

You are silent, covering your face with your hands. I know you're tired of my tears. I am also tired. I do not want to lose you. But I can't help it. I swing on this swing from unearthly happiness to fear and melancholy and I don’t understand how to stop it. I'm sorry!"

Emotional Junkies

It also happens that a person experiences such feelings for someone who does not reciprocate his feelings. Imagine, they fall in love with you without asking, and then all the time they walk like a shadow next to a mournful expression on their face, suffering and sighing. At first it’s a pity, but then it starts to irritate. An obsessive lover is not so easy to get rid of. He can also blackmail: “If you push me away, I’ll throw myself under the train!”

In general, love addiction poisons the lives of not only those who have it, but also those to whom the feelings are directed. This is a really big psychological problem that prevents you from enjoying life and enjoying relationships. But System-Vector Psychology of Yuri Burlan knows how to deal with it.

Such states are experienced by people for whom the creation of emotional connections and love is the meaning of their life. It is natural for them to experience strong emotions - to love, to be sad, to rejoice with all their hearts and to cry bitterly. For them, emotions are bread, endorphins, the source of their joy.

Painful emotional dependence occurs when the realization of their enormous emotional potential is associated with one person, and all feelings fall on him. And since a person with a visual vector cannot live without love, the question of reciprocity of feelings is equated to the question of to be or not to be. Since love is so important, a person tries with all his might to get confirmation of his importance to his partner. And the object of dependence turns out to be the target, the sole focus of the entire avalanche of emotion, which would be enough for a hundred people. Love addiction is a problem of the absence or lack of realization of the emotional potential given by nature.

In addition, this is a manifestation of a person’s concentration on himself, on obtaining pleasure for himself. After all, when the viewer loves, he experiences great pleasure. And when some person becomes the only source of these feelings for him, he cannot tear himself away from him. But this addiction is reminiscent of a love for ice cream: it’s delicious, so you want more and more.

Dependency squared

What makes love dependence especially difficult is the presence of properties in a person’s vector set. Its owner is a monogamous, faithful, devoted person. He loves stability in relationships and gets used to his partner. Family and couple relationships are the meaning of life for him. It is difficult for him to imagine himself without a loved one nearby, it is difficult to get used to the idea that something will change.

The habit of experiencing strong emotions, even negative ones, near a loved one makes such a love addiction long lasting. It happens that the relationship has already ended a long time ago, but the feeling does not go away. A person with an anal vector has a good memory, and he constantly fuels this feeling with memories. Imaginative thinking, characteristic of the owner of the visual vector, contributes to the fact that memories are vivid. They replace reality for him. This is how life passes in dreams of the past.

There's enough love for everyone

Love is not self-pleasure. When you love, you wish happiness for the one you love, and do not suffocate him with your demands of self-love. You still have to grow up to true love. How? Realize the entire huge reserve of emotions among other people.

The cure for love addiction is to be among people, to empathize with those who need warmth and participation. Become a connecting thread with the world for older people. Rejoice at the successes of children and cry with them over their broken knees. Make love your driving force in life. Perform feats in the name of love. This is what it is – a real feeling, not confined to one person. Dependence paralyzes, love makes you move through life and develop.

“I couldn't be alone anymore. I needed somewhere to throw out all the pain that had accumulated in my soul. I left the house. I wandered the streets, peering into people's faces. I sat down on a bench in the park, and an elderly man sat down next to me. Suddenly he spoke to me and told me that he had lost his wife yesterday. He was lonely and confused. There was grief in his eyes.

I don't know what happened to me. My heart rushed towards him, tearing through my chest, as it always rushed towards you. I cried with him. His pain became my pain. These tears brought me relief. He told his story, and I saw that he also felt better. It seems that someone else needs me..."

Cry, but not for yourself, but for others. There is enough of you for everyone - it’s not for nothing that nature created you this way. By increasing the volume of emotional connections, you become even more sensitive, even more loving. And your happiness increases, because you were born to feel.

Then your loved one will breathe a sigh of relief, because you will stop suffocating him with your love. And you can easily let go of someone who doesn’t share your feelings. Now you know that he is not the source of your happiness. You yourself are the source of love.

After love addiction, there are survivors... Moreover, those who have been reborn to a new life. These are those who completed the training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. Listen to what they say:

If you want addiction to stop tormenting your heart, so that love brings joy and not pain, then register for free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

1. A DECLARATION OF LOVE IS NOT A JUDGMENT

If a man explains himself like this: “I need you! I can’t live without you!”, send him to hell without hesitation. Since he needs you so much, since he cannot get by, then it will be impossible to take a step without him.

Drive away from yourself those who say this: “How extraordinary you are! I’ve never met anyone like you!” This explains a womanizer with extensive experience.

The confession of a real man should sound something like this: “I feel good with you, let’s go through life together.” Then have no doubt - they love you, because if they want to go through life with you, it means that they consider you smart and reliable. And this is the best compliment.

2. JEALOUSY IS A SIGN OF UNCERTAINTY

If your man is jealous, then this man is unfinished - unsure of himself. A real man is sure that his woman will not cheat on him, and reasons like this: “Is she a fool to risk the happiness she has achieved?”

3. EMOTIONS ARE AWAY, THE MAIN THING IS CALCULATION

Marriage should be of convenience. Anyone whose feelings prevail over calculations is simply stupid. And most importantly, he also boasts of this, saying: “I am an emotional person.” What does emotional mean? Bad. I get emotional, which means I'm confused. In general, nothing but nonsense will come from feelings.

4. PUSH ALCOHOLICS IN THE NECK

Do not start a family with a drinking person. I'm a narcologist, so I know what I'm saying. As a rule, they declare their love beautifully, know how to entertain, and you won’t get bored with them. But these are deeply unhappy people who are forever stuck in their addiction. There is no way you can help them! An alcoholic needs the help of only a highly qualified specialist, a narcologist. And not everyone can be helped by a doctor.

Alcoholism can only be treated in one case: if the alcoholic himself wants to stop drinking. But it’s not easy here either. It is believed that if an alcoholic has not drank for a year, it means he has been cured. But he still breaks down later. One wrote to me: “My husband, when he’s sober, is a golden man, but when he gets drunk, he’s a real pig.” I suggested swapping the words, and it turned out like this: “My husband is a pig, but when he doesn’t drink, he’s very human.” It will be more accurate that way.

5. FAMILY IS AN ENTERPRISE

A family should be treated like a business. Therefore, a family-enterprise must have an “office”, that is, an apartment, must have “qualified personnel”, that is, the spouses must have a profession and a salary. Don’t get involved with the sick or the poor: you won’t open or run an enterprise with them.

6. SOCIAL STATUS SHOULD BE THE SAME

Spouses should be approximately the same in social and educational status. It is impossible for one to stand high and the other low. Imagine that a bush and a tree are hugging. The tree's branches are high, the bush's branches are low. The bush hugs the tree and sees that it is soulless and dry. No, it has a soul, but only at the top!

The partner who is higher must help the “low” partner grow to his level of development. This way he will prove his true love. After all, how can I rely on a woman’s love if she is underdeveloped and poor? But, by the way, I know quite a few couples where men, for their own reasons, forbid women to develop. And in this case, how will you determine whether she loves you or not? And if she is wealthy enough, rich, and does not need you, then it is possible that she really loves you. And if she has nothing, then how do I know that she loves me or my property? Therefore, if a man married a woman who is “unfinished,” then help her build herself up to your level, and then you will understand whether she loves you or not. If she stops needing you, and the relationship remains good, it means she loves you. This applies to both men and women.

I have repeatedly cited a typical case as an example, which proves that you cannot leave your partners at the “bush” level. A wealthy businessman married a young 17-year-old hairdresser. He ordered not to interfere in his affairs, to stay at home and take care of the child: “I will feed the family myself.” And seven years later he was killed. The woman was left alone with a seven-year-old child; within a year, all her savings had been consumed, squandered, and she became completely impoverished. I forgot about hairdressing.

When you do not care about the development of your spouse, you kill her, first of all, and your child. Therefore, if it turns out that your partner is underdeveloped, then help him, and if you are underdeveloped, then grow up to him. But it is better, of course, to take finished products rather than semi-finished products. While a woman is busy with a runt, good men can pass her by. Neither she will see them, nor will they see her.

7. A QUEEN MUST SEARCH FOR A KING

If you consider yourself a queen, look for a king. And vice versa. There are many examples where people have achieved both position and rank, and are positive on all sides, that is, they have an “office”, and “personnel”, and a profession, but their personal life is not going well. The reason is that such people are poorly prepared for their personal lives.. For example, a woman complains that she cannot communicate with men. And she is the boss and unconsciously begins to boss the men around. And if in front of her is not a pantser, but a real man, then he will not tolerate such treatment. Moreover, he will not even contact such a commander.

I often ask: girls, do you need a king? And the king needs a queen. If you are not a queen, he will not contact you. Why? It's a lot of trouble. He needs a woman of his level. And if a woman considers herself a queen and is looking for a king, but does not find him in her environment, then she needs to climb to the top - personally, careerwise, socially. And there she will definitely find him.

In general, I am sure that the basis of sexual success is a large salary. I advised one “queen”: start earning not 500 rubles, but 5,000 dollars. She followed these instructions. And she reports that she still hasn’t solved her sexual problem. And this is understandable: before she had no one to deal with, but now she has no one to choose from. She became more qualified - and her demands on her partner increased. And those who still surrounded her did not meet her needs. She was surrounded by plebeians, and so she was left alone. I gave the advice again: earn $10,000. She did just that, and eventually found a partner at the very top. After all, her high earnings, willy-nilly, brought her into the elite circle of people. And when a person earns a lot, people of a higher level are drawn to him. Therefore, women, we must look for kings where they are found. Like real mushroom pickers, they look for mushrooms only in mushroom places, and don’t just walk through the forest.

8. WHO PAYS IS THE ONE ORDERS THE MUSIC

In a family, husband and wife each occupy their own level. Just because you're a man doesn't make you the boss. The person who earns the most should be the leader in the family.

9. THE HEALTHIER THE PARENTS, THE HEALTHIER THE OFFENDERS

Genetics has more to do with men. P According to medical standards, a man is considered fit to produce healthy offspring if he has not drunk for two months and has not suffered from any serious infection. Otherwise, he will pass on all the diseases through his sperm, which will fertilize the egg. But of course, the woman must also be healthy. Before conceiving a child, it is better for both to be checked by doctors.

10. THERE SHOULD BE THREE CHILDREN

There must be children in the family. You must understand that it is impossible to live forever; you will have to die sooner or later. You can save your life only in children. Half of the child consists of me, the other half of my wife. But one child is a genetic dead end. So, I gave my half to my child, he then gets married and gives half of my wife to his child, and that’s it, I’m gone. Two children is already better.

In general, it is believed that three children is the minimum that is necessary to save one’s life forever. That oligarch who married a young hairdresser has practically sunk into oblivion, because he gave birth to only one child, and it is unknown whether this girl will carry him through or not: they have nothing to live on now.

11. GENERAL VIEWS AND TASTES – A STRONG FOUNDATION

Scientists have now found that is important for family life: commonality of views. Exupery also said: “ Love is not when they look at each other, but when they look in the same direction" If you have differences in views, then you will grow in one direction, and your partner will grow in the other. In the end you will separate.

Therefore, different points of view in the family are harmful. You must try to take your partner’s point of view or try to get him to take your point of view. Often common views are born during common activities.

The second factor of a strong family is a commonality of gastronomic tastes. This means your body works the same way. And it’s convenient for you to adapt to each other.

12. MORE SEX – NOT BORING AND DIFFERENT

Psychologists place sex as a factor in strengthening the family in third place.

You get pleasure from regular sex, but in order to get pleasure, you need to learn it. Sexology textbooks describe 10 classic sexual intercourse positions. In the literature of a more frivolous nature, about 300 poses are described. In practice, couples master 3-4 poses.

In general, simple ways of sexual satisfaction are found intuitively. But sophisticated poses need to be learned. Then you will receive fundamentally new sensations. Then you get tired of them, you again want something new - and you will master another dozen poses.

Who do you think needs more variety in sex? Men or women? Women! They often complained to me: everything is fine in the family, my husband earns normally, but she can’t stand him. You start asking and it turns out that in bed your husband behaves the same way every time, even if you time it by seconds! Boring!

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE PLEASURE FROM ENJOYMENT

A person needs to learn everything, including sex, if you want it to be good., not animals. How is man different from animals? By thinking. Accordingly, our emotions are different: an animal experiences pleasure, and a person experiences pleasure. You can get pleasure from any physiological act. From eating, for example, or from defecation - they sat on the toilet, and they also enjoyed it, especially if there was no “stool” for three days. You can also get pleasure from sex, but to get pleasure, you need to learn.

There are no objects of pleasure in nature. They are all made by man. Delicious food, including even apples and peaches. After all, the fruits of wild apple trees are sour.

Pleasures are always from excess, and they are divided into physical and spiritual. Physical: you run and enjoy it. And pleasure comes when you not only run, but when you also do the “cartwheel”. But you also need to learn complex physical exercises.

But, for example, “material” pleasures can drive people in different directions. Let’s say there are ten sandwiches on a platter with red caviar, which I love very much, and I don’t want to share with anyone. Therefore, anyone who eats even one sandwich becomes my enemy. Spiritual pleasures, on the contrary, unite.

This situation is well illustrated by an eastern parable:“You have an apple and I have an apple. We swapped apples. How much did you get? You have one and I have one. You have a thought and I have a thought. We exchanged thoughts. How much did you get? I have two thoughts, and you have two thoughts!” Spiritual pleasure can be obtained by listening to music or reading a book. But to receive spiritual pleasures, preparation is needed. If a person is not ready, then classical music will cause him disgust, and a book will cause irritation.

What else is characteristic of pleasure? Whatever it is, they need to be invented. I enjoyed it, got tired of it, and have to come up with something new. And so on ad infinitum. All human development is a pursuit of pleasure. Tell me what you enjoy and I will tell you who you are.

13. CARE IS BETTER THAN WORDS

The family will be strong if the spouses have a desire to stroke each other. After all, we are not always ready to have sex. Maybe you're on your period, maybe you're tired, maybe you're sick. At these moments, affection is most needed. There can, of course, be verbal strokes - thank you, say something nice...But tactile caresses are much better. When a woman strokes me, it means she definitely likes me. You never know what you say... After all, a person often uses speech to hide his thoughts.

They asked me: if a person doesn’t like to be stroked, then what should I do? Regret! This means that this person will be unhappy in life. He has some kind of internal defect that does not allow him to enjoy caresses. But in general, you also need to know how to iron. There are places on the body that just shouldn’t be stroked, and everyone has their own places - you need to know about them and avoid them.

14. EVERY PERSON HAS A PRICE

You need to determine how much the person you decide to connect your life with is “worth.” “Price” is determined by three factors.

The first factor is his property and salary.

The second is his connections, which indicate his prejudices– race, age, property, nationality. They bind us: the more prejudices there are, the “poorer” a person is, the more limited in his actions and thoughts. For example, I liked one woman of a different nationality. And she will refuse me because she has a national prejudice. You need to get rid of these connections.

Third is the future. You should know who your significant other will be in at least ten years. If, for example, a man now drinks a little, then his future is known - he will become an alcoholic. If your wife declares that she is not going to work, then you must decide for yourself - will you like life with a boring housewife in the future? If your partner is much lower in social status than you, then you need to find out whether he wants to grow. If not, then there is no point in contacting him, and even dangerous.

I once counseled a couple. At 33 years old, she was the dean of the faculty, she had a personal car with a driver, and an apartment. And at the age of 40 he had nothing, not even a higher education. What did she do? I took him into custody.

It can be assumed that when he finally achieves nothing, he will leave her, because the process of education is usually accompanied by lectures that will make him hate her. But as long as he receives some benefit from her, he will keep her close to him - until he reaches her level or changes in some other way. published