Conflict with parents, fathers and children. Conflicts between “fathers and children” (reasons, characteristics, resolution technologies). How to restore the relationship between fathers and children: step-by-step instructions
Conflicts are an integral part of the life of any person. The problem of the most painless resolution of situations is not new; there is even a special science that deals with the problems of conflict resolution - conflictology. And the problem of conflicts between fathers and children seems to be as old as the world. Thousands of years ago, the older generation complained about the carelessness, lack of education, carelessness, cynicism and superficiality of youth. Thus, the inscription on an ancient Babylonian clay vessel from the 30th century BC reads: “Youth are corrupted to the depths of their souls. Young people are malicious and negligent. The younger generation of today will not be able to preserve our culture.” A similar inscription was found on the tomb of one of the Egyptian pharaohs. It says that disobedient and ill-mannered youth cannot prolong the great deeds of their ancestors, create great monuments of culture and art and, without a doubt, will become the last generation of people on earth.
Not much has changed since then. From the height of their experience, adults look at “children’s antics”, forgetting about the time when they themselves were children and teenagers, how they strived to live and considered themselves capable of moving mountains. And it seems to every generation that “they were different, they didn’t allow themselves to do this” and if the younger generation continues to behave disgustingly, then the world will slide into the abyss and perish. And young people frown with displeasure, consider their parents “behind the times” and think (but, fortunately, rarely say): “What right do you have to teach me?” And family quarrels and disputes are repeated again and again, with each new generation of people. But how often do we, parents, think about whether we resolve controversial situations and conflicts with our own children correctly? After all, the influence of family conflicts on a child is beyond doubt - those who are accustomed to submitting to the power of their parents will be afraid to argue and insist on their own, and those spoiled by permissiveness will grow up to be callous egoists, indifferent to the needs of others. Meanwhile, methods for resolving conflicts with children are not too different from the general principles of resolving difficult situations. It's time to figure out how to resolve conflicts correctly.
The eternal conflict of generations: fathers and sons
No family can do without conflicts between children and parents. And there is nothing terrible about this, because “correct” conflicts help relieve tension between its participants, make it possible to find a compromise solution without infringing on the interests of one of the family members and, as a result, only strengthen relationships. But all this is true only in relation to reasonably resolved conflicts. Much more often, disputes and quarrels become the cause of hidden grievances, psychological complexes, and can even cause a family split.
How to properly resolve conflicts between children and parents?
To make the conflict painless, follow these tips:
Conflicts between parents and adult children can be even more intense than with young children or adolescents. Indeed, in this case, children are already fully formed individuals with their own principles and beliefs. But even in this case, all the methods described above remain correct and effective.
And most importantly, remember that the younger generation is not better or worse - they are just different. And if it were not for these differences, if there were no disputes and conflicts between children and parents, there would be no progress and people would still be hunting wild animals, living in a cave.
Conflicts are an integral part of the life of any person. The problem of the most painless resolution of situations is not new; there is even a special science that deals with the problems of conflict resolution - conflictology. And the problem of conflicts between fathers and children seems to be as old as the world. Thousands of years ago, the older generation complained about the carelessness, lack of education, carelessness, cynicism and superficiality of youth. Thus, the inscription on an ancient Babylonian clay vessel of the 30th century BC. e says: “Youth are corrupted to the depths of their souls. Young people are malicious and negligent. The younger generation of today will not be able to preserve our culture.” A similar inscription was found on the tomb of one of the Egyptian pharaohs. It says that disobedient and ill-mannered youth cannot prolong the great deeds of their ancestors, create great monuments of culture and art and, without a doubt, will become the last generation of people on earth.
Not much has changed since then. From the height of their experience, adults look at “children’s antics”, forgetting about the time when they themselves were children and teenagers, how they strived to live and considered themselves capable of moving mountains. And it seems to every generation that “they were different, they didn’t allow themselves to do this” and if the younger generation continues to behave disgustingly, then the world will slide into the abyss and perish. And young people frown with displeasure, consider their parents “behind the times” and think (but, fortunately, rarely say): “What right do you have to teach me?” And family quarrels and disputes are repeated again and again, with each new generation of people. But how often do we, parents, think about whether we resolve controversial situations and conflicts with our own children correctly? After all, the influence of family conflicts on a child is beyond doubt - those who are accustomed to submitting to the power of their parents will be afraid to argue and insist on their own, and those spoiled by permissiveness will grow up to be callous egoists, indifferent to the needs of others. Meanwhile, methods for resolving conflicts with children are not too different from the general principles of resolving difficult situations. It's time to figure out how to resolve conflicts correctly.
The eternal conflict of generations: fathers and sons
No family can do without conflicts between children and parents. And there is nothing terrible about this, because “correct” conflicts help relieve tension between its participants, make it possible to find a compromise solution without infringing on the interests of one of the family members and, as a result, only strengthen relationships. But all this is true only in relation to reasonably resolved conflicts. Much more often, disputes and quarrels become the cause of hidden grievances, psychological complexes, and can even cause a family split.
How to properly resolve conflicts between children and parents?
To make the conflict painless, follow these tips:
Conflicts between parents and adult children can be even more intense than with young children or adolescents. Indeed, in this case, children are already fully formed individuals with their own principles and beliefs. But even in this case, all the methods described above remain correct and effective.
And most importantly, remember that the younger generation is neither better nor worse - they are just different. And if it were not for these differences, if there were no disputes and conflicts between children and parents, there would be no progress and people would still be hunting wild animals, living in a cave.
Hello, dear guests of our blog! The topic of our next article is “Causes of conflicts between parents and children ". Below we will try to understand why these conflicts arise. We will show you how to solve them correctly, without damage to both parties. Find details in the article.
The conflict between fathers and sons has existed at all times. Now it is especially relevant, because it does not bypass even wealthy families. They occur at different stages of a child’s growth and development as a person, for various reasons. The transitional age of a growing person and the costs of the parents’ character also have an impact.
Causes of conflicts between parents and children
Resolving conflicts between parents and children
Methods for resolving conflicts also depend on the reason for which they arose:
And the main thing is to remember that conflicts happen in every family; it is important that they are not endless and long-lasting. Because in a house full of endless arguments and quarrels, it is impossible to raise a worthy person.
We recommend reading the article "". Let us tell you how the attitude of parents towards their children affects the discipline of their children. Why should we not allow both hypertrophied love, bordering on permissiveness, and the manifestation of general prohibitions and absolute control in relationships with children? Details in the article!
It's no secret that in our world there are quarrels between parents and children, and, unfortunately, they are a very common occurrence.
When opinions collide - the opinions of young people and the opinions of the older generation - a fire of conflict inevitably breaks out, the consequences of which can haunt its participants for many years to come. But what is the reason? In the outdated views of parents? In the maximalism of their children? Let's try to figure it out.
The “problem of fathers and sons” has always existed. The most striking example of this can be considered the work of I.S., consonant in name. Turgenev, which to this day raises a problem that is relevant to all of us. The novel shows a huge number of moments when the opinions of two generations collide, and each of their representatives is ready to the last to defend what they believe in. On the one hand, we have a “past century”, which, although wiser, still has outdated views, on the other hand, we have a “present century”, carried away by nihilism. Who is right? It’s hard to say, because none of the representatives of the generations met the other, denying other people’s views. The heroes, Arkady Bazarov and Pavel Petrovich Kirsanov, were not heard by each other. Endless disputes, disagreements, and, as a culmination, a duel. They are opposed by Arkady and Nikolai Petrovich Kirsanov, who treat each other with respect and strive to maintain the unity of family relationships, which is why their conflict ends in reconciliation. The ending of the novel, the wedding of Arkady with Katya Odintsova and Nikolai Petrovich with Fenechka on the same day, symbolizes the unity of generations. Life as an important symbol of the natural school, the representative of which was I.S. Turgenev tests the strength of the heroes. Arkady and Nikolai Petrovich Kirsanov ultimately pass the test of life. Bazarov, having fallen in love with his older sister Odintsova, shows the contradictory nature of his ideals; Pavel Petrovich, having lost consciousness from the sight of blood in a duel, shows the dubiousness of his aristocratic principles. As a result, Bazarov dies alone, and Pavel Petrovich lives alone abroad.
But could all this have been avoided?
How many times have you heard, for example, on TV or from your teenage friends the following phrases: “My parents force me to do not what I want, but what they think is right,” “They don’t understand me...”, “They don’t care.” on my opinion!”, “I'm afraid that I will be punished, so I won't tell them what happened,” “They don't know what they're talking about, but they're trying to convince me that they're right!”?
How many times have you heard from parents: “We don’t understand him/her at all!”, “It feels like he/she is doing everything to spite me!”, “I don’t know what’s happening to my child...”, “He (a) doesn’t share anything with me!”? In fact, you can give dozens, hundreds, thousands more such examples, and each of them will not turn out to be fiction. In Soviet literature, a striking example of conflict relations between parents and children is M. Sholokhov’s novel “Quiet Don”. The conflicting parties are the head of the Melekhov family, Grigory Panteleevich, and his Grigory. The father is a defender of the moral values of the Cossacks and opposes his son’s love for the wife of his neighbor Aksinya. Therefore, he marries his son to Natalya, whom the son does not love. Grigory and Aksinya assert the human right to love; their relationship challenges the established family values of the Cossacks. The conflict between father and son leads to tragic consequences in the novel: Natalya’s suicide attempt, Grigory’s leaving home with Aksinya.
Distrust of parents, the desire to isolate yourself from them, thoughts that no one understands you, fear of being punished - this leads to very deep wounds that can bleed for a long time before healing and still turning into scars. Such consequences of the conflict between father and son arise in the novel “Quiet Don”.
What should you do to avoid all this?
First you need to understand what exactly has become the bone of contention. There are a number of reasons: The parent’s demands to do exactly what he wants. This position is inherent in the conflict with his son Grigory Panteleevich Melekhov, in the conflict with Chatsky Famusov;
· Citing the example of “mother’s friend’s son” as a standard of good behavior and actions; focusing on personal qualities, rather than on actions during a quarrel (example: “YOU are terrible”, instead of “you ACTED disgustingly!”). This position is inherent in Famusov, when Skalozub acts as a standard example of a young man encouraged by society;
· Reluctance to accept the tastes and interests of your child;
· Disagreement with your child’s opinion;
· Punishments based on misunderstandings, without explanation of the reasons why the teenager was punished;
All these problems have a common feature - the parent puts himself above his child, justifying this by the fact that he has lived longer, and therefore knows better.
It is important to understand, parents, that your child is not your property. He is a separate person
which should not agree with you in everything and accept your opinion as the only and correct one, should not correspond to your ideals and achieve what you did not achieve in your time.
Very often, conflicts arise due to too much guardianship or due to the fact that parents do not know how to show their child their care. As a result, their disagreement in some way does not look like a manifestation of concern and a desire to isolate the child from something harmful, but as a simple misunderstanding and hostility. Let's imagine a situation: a teenager came to his parents in an attempt to tell them about a new genre of music that he had discovered for himself, but only after hearing it, the parents spoke negatively and forbade their child to listen to it. It is quite understandable that after this, the teenager will no longer share anything and will begin to worry about the fact that he remained misunderstood. Because misunderstanding on the part of parents is the most painful thing, because their opinion and assessment cannot be ignored, as if they were strangers.
The right decision in such a situation is to let someone speak out. No one asks a parent to force himself to love the interests of his child, but you need to be more loyal to everything he tells you about. Don't neglect his feelings. As a teenager grows up, he will realize that his previous experiences were not as severe as they were as an adult, but he will be grateful for support and for being listened to when he needed it. Don't judge your son or daughter for their interests - rather, ask about them. If he/she is interested in something harmful (alcohol, cigarettes, etc.), explain why it is bad. Perhaps he (s) will not turn out better because of his own interest, but even if you punish him or yell at him, it won’t be better, believe me. This will lead to only one thing - the emergence of new secrets on the part of the teenager.
Don't impose your point of view. COMMUNICATE with your child and treat him as an equal. The validity of this communication strategy is proven by Turgenev’s novel “Fathers and Sons.” The respectful attitude of father and son Kirsanov, their desire to preserve family relationships, despite the opposite principles, led to reconciliation at the end of the novel.
There is no need to condemn your parents for their mistakes - for the words spoken at the time of a quarrel, for some actions that you sometimes cannot understand. They are people just like you, and they make mistakes just like everyone else. Nobody taught them how to raise a child, for them interacting with you, becoming an authority for you is a very difficult path, learning new things.
Yes, at some point the problem of misunderstanding will appear and this is inevitable, but the task of parents is to help their children, to try to maintain friendly relations with them. As Turgenev’s novel “Fathers and Sons” shows, this relationship strategy is the most effective for preserving family relationships. After all, adolescence and youth are the period when a person most needs self-realization, needs people who will understand and accept his interests. When the opinion of society is important to him, but even more important is the opinion of his parents.
Years, decades, centuries pass, but the problem of relationships between the older and younger generations remains. How often can you hear: “What kind of young people have gone! Nowadays...” It seems to us, young people, that our parents “pressure” us with their authority and age, that they do not understand their children, and seek to limit our freedom. When we become adults, we will probably treat our children the same way, we will tell them the same thing, trying to protect them from all the hardships of life. I think that this is why the conflict between children and parents is eternal and that the characteristics of each generation of people are influenced by the time in which they live, social and living conditions, and the political situation in the country.
Issues of relationships between “fathers and sons” have always interested writers and, of course, are reflected in fiction. The problem of continuity of generations, the conflict between elders and young people, the relationship between parents and children - this is not a complete list of problems reflected in various works of Russian and foreign literature. Let's look at some examples.
A novel by the 19th century Russian writer I.S. Turgenev is called “Fathers and Sons”. This work clearly demonstrates the problem of relationships between two generations. The “fathers” are Nikolai and Pavel Kirsanov, and the “children” are Arkady Kirsanov, the son of Nikolai Petrovich, and Evgeny Bazarov. But the conflict between them is caused not so much by age as by changing social conditions in the country. The “nests of the nobility” are becoming obsolete, and the role of the nobility in society is decreasing. He is being replaced by new people, people from the middle class, the so-called commoners. Bazarov is the son of a poor district doctor, he makes his own way in life. Arkady is only passionate about new ideas, but in fact he is his father’s son. We see him at the end of the novel as a landowner, continuing the work of the “fathers.” The highest point of the conflict between the new generation and the local nobility, the aristocrats, is the duel between Bazarov and Pavel Petrovich. There are no winners and losers here. But Turgenev, with the instinct of a great artist of words, feels and knows that in life the victory of the bazaars is inevitable.
Generational conflict often occurs in everyday life. Let us recall A. Aleksin’s wonderful story “Division of Property.” This work presents three generations of one family. Grandmother Anisiya Ivanovna gave all her love, all her strength and time so that her granddaughter Verochka, who suffered a severe birth injury, would recover, learn to overcome difficulties, and be the same as other children. Verochka grew up, and her grandmother was no longer needed. The girl’s mother wants to do everything “in good conscience, in fairness”; she even plans to sue her mother-in-law. This is a conflict between older generations. But another one arises. Verochka writes in her note that she will become that part of the property that will go to her grandmother. And, probably, there will no longer be the same relationship between the grown-up girl and her mother. What is destroyed is very difficult to restore.
As we see, the causes of conflicts between generations are different. They can hardly be avoided when social conditions and social systems change, but they often arise in our everyday lives. I think the main thing is to learn to behave with dignity in such cases.
